sigh i was thinking of J today. about how much i want to join back church but he's stopping me. it seems like i can't go to church or join choir without thinking about him and what he did. about how he's so faithful and it makes me sick to the core. i don't want to be reminded of him, i want to go back to my god without having to feel like i'm giving in to J or going back to J. it's totally irritating.

im also tired of all the stupid catholic/christian fellowship. it's nauseating, that's what it is. just a whole bunch of idiotic socializing, dating here and there, pretense of god's love all around, and everywhere there's back stabbing or sweet-coated hatred for each other. i just need a place to go to seek my god, find peace within, not to feel good about myself by being nice to another, i'm not that kind of person. i don't think i can take it with any more socializing drama. neither do i want to go to some churches to listen to a charismatic guy giving a motivational talk or going to a fancy-schmancy concert. these distract me from what i really need. anyway if i wanted a feel-good session i'll go to watch a movie or some concert, these shouldn't be in church.

i need to figure out which choir i can go to without all these politics crap and just sing without worrying about others. i miss singing..

anyway, i just watched Casablanca - totally cliche but it still managed to make me feel all sentimental inside. maybe i'm a dumb romantic at heart. siggh.. tomorrow final exam and interview at moe for psych position. No more teaching for me if i make it! I hope i'm making the right decision. I'll miss teaching music..!

I haven't been blogging much because talking (in cyberspace, too) has become too painful.

Anyway, my mother has decided not to move in. We had a terrible fight last week which involved her yelled at me for helping my dad clear his things and then me running away.

Today during moving, she threw boxes down the stairs, ordered us to move things although the movers were around, and swooped down her paws like a huge scary vulture onto my dad's furniture (drawers, shelves, which I'm supposed to have kept for my sister, tv, and my dad was furious). Chris was playing in the dust, and I got my head banged by a metallic shelf falling down. Sze Han got shouted at as usual. I think the worst part was when she wrestled my 9-year-old bed from me on the basis that she paid for it.

I feel very disheartened about this move as it isn't one of those happy moving days which promise the start of new beginnings and a nostalgic throwing away of memorabilia. This is an all out war of who takes what and who is sitting around not doing anything. 30 over years of stuff isn't funny, when they are stuff you grew up with, wedding photos and things that are not wanted because they remind too much of each other. This is all about them, and their stuff, and them getting angry at me is because I remind them of why they stuck together when all they really wanted to rip each others' faces out, but not before they suck every cent they can from the other.











I hope to never divorce.